Almost 2 weeks ago, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl – my first baby. And since then I’ve been doing my 30 days confinement with the baby and with my mother helping me out. My days basically consist of expressing milk, breast feeding directly, changing diapers, a fuck-ton of laundry, properly arranging my things in the new house and reading up on what to expect next. So it’s no wonder that when people ask me “have you had any rest?”, the answer is “no”.

Confinement in Asian tradition is supposed to be a time for a new mother to rest and recuperate. After a long labor, it’s 13 days postpartum and I’m still looking forward to this elusive “rest”.

I don’t see myself as a pedantic mother.  But one thing that really annoys me to no end are those who are and expect me to also be pedantic over my baby. Parties that have had children, and hell, even those who haven’t seem to have an opinion the second my baby cries.

BABIES CRY!

It’s their way of communication. After spending my entire days with the baby, I have deciphered her language. I can see which face means what. And considering that for about 23 hours a day I’m spot on, you’d think people could trust me the other 1 hour a day in which they see me and my newborn and say things like “no, she’s hungry”, “no, she has colic”, “no…[insert anything that means – you don’t’ know your baby as well as I know her]”.

Any mother could tell you that a mothers’ instinct is usually correct. And it’s unexplainable. This child has literally been growing inside you for 9 months so there is a bond that beats any argument that you can google.

I apologised to my cousin the other day for giving her unsolicited parenting advice when she had her first child. Although I was coming from a place of concern or trying to be helpful, I didn’t realise until now what an ignorant and arrogant asshole I must have been.  Luckily she knew I was coming from a good place. But I thought about it and yes although I was coming from a good place, my message was communicating a sense of “I know better” or even “you’re not doing a good job”. But she was doing a fantastic job – because she being the mother, knew best and knew what worked for her child. Her daughter (now 6) is one of the brightest and happiest little girls I know. It was me that was ignorant.

For my newborn, I am quite sure that she is just so young that exposing her to discomfort is just unnecessary at this point in time. This is why she cries in the arms of others. I want her to feel safe and protected, not passed around to well-meaning people who want so badly to bond with the baby that is just not yet ready.  It breaks my heart to see my baby distressed, and to know I’ve put her in this unnecessary situation makes me feel guilty enough. Yet to then receive a myriad of opinions (which usually point the finger at me as being a sub-par parent) as to why she is crying instead of the reason I know in my gut to be true, just makes my blood boil.

For anyone who has friends or family who are new mothers:

1. Don’t judge. I mean, you shouldn’t be judging anybody in any case.
2. Don’t draw your own conclusions from what you see in the short time you see them. For all you know your presence might be the very thing affecting the baby when you see them.
3. Give them space no matter how entitled you feel to their child.  Remember, you’re not.
4. Don’t impose your own opinions on how to raise the child in any way, shape or form unless it is explicitly asked for. If you’ve raised excellent children and people are asking for your advice, by all means share. But if your own children are dropkicks, or if you don’t have children at all, zip it.
5. Don’t continually expect to socialise and they will let you into their lives again when they feel ready.  Most new mothers are tired. They’re dealing with no sleep and their bodies are still recuperating. Every minute of rest is precious. No new mother wants you to “come over for coffee” or even “come over to watch the baby”. Most just want some space to rest and spend time getting to know their babies.