What does it take to be a cool aunt ? We can usually remember the cool aunt in our lives, or that very annoying aunt whom you wish could have been so much cooler. But what we remember is often from when we’re older than toddlerhood because our memories don’t go back that far as to remember specific events from such a young age. 

This doesn’t mean that your efforts in being the “cool” aunt will go to waste. It just means that at this age, kids need an aunt who helps shape their core behaviours and values, not a “cool” one (who is often the one to expose them to a world different to their parents’). Here are 7 ways to be the best aunt ever to a child while they’re still just toddlers.

1. Help the parents out from the beginning

If you have the time, help the parents out from the beginning when your niece or nephew is just a baby. To be a great aunt, having a great relationship with the parents usually helps a lot. Those first few months after bringing a newborn home are often times of a sleep-deprived haze for parents. Some of the best ways you can help them is by bringing food over, offering to wash the clothes, do the grocery shopping or do any last-minute shopping for baby. You might think to offer taking of the baby, but many mothers report that they would rather help with anything else apart from this. That fourth trimester is time for them to bond with their child.

A woman’s sister or sister-in-law can be one of the greatest gifts during those final days of pregnancy and first months of motherhood. But this depends on how you help. Don’t go overboard with your offers or your suggestions, but let the parents know that you are there, willing and able. This lets them know that you are not only looking forward to the arrival of your niece or nephew, but you are hoping to be a helpful part of their lives too. This puts you well on the track to being the best aunt ever once the child is a toddler.

Click here for more tips on how to support a first-time mom during pregnancy and the first year of motherhood.

2. Spend time playing instead of money on gifts

Spending time playing with toddlers means much more to toddlers than gifts or new toys. When you understand that a toddler can be enthralled by a cardboard box or by sound of birds chirping away at the park, this will make sense. Playing with toddlers and building their imaginations is a great way for you to bond with them. A new toy every now and again is great, but you can’t just give a toy to a toddler and expect them to love you for it. It’s the playtime together that means the most to them.

3. Don’t undermine their parents

To a toddler, their parents are the people who love them the most in the world. They believe their parents can do no wrong, and that’s part of how effective parenting works. Can you imagine a mother telling her toddler that actually she has no idea what she’s doing? The toddler would know how to exploit that mess in a heartbeat. So the same goes for you. Don’t talk badly about the toddler’s parents in front of the child. Even if you think your brother/brother-in-law could be doing a better job, don’t say things like “you’re dad is such an idiot…,” don’t roll your eyes at his suggestions, and don’t reprimand him in front of his own child either. And if parents have rules, stick to them. 

4. Spoil them a little, but not too much

An aunt’s job is to spoil their nieces are nephews right? Buying completely useless gifts that parents would never buy for their own children can be nice. But just be sure not to go overboard and start spoiling them. For big ticket items or occasions, definitely run it by the parents first – in private, not in front of the child/ren. Keep in mind when buying gifts, whether or not they’re age appropriate. The developmental difference between a typical 12 month old and a 24 month old is actually quite large, and the types of toys they would enjoy at each stage are different.

However, it’s worth saying again that spending quality time playing their favourite games (sometimes over, and over, and over again) can be much more enjoyable for a toddler than receiving expensive toys.

5. Set a good example

At this age, you don’t need to be the cool aunt that drinks a little too much, and is a little outspoken but honest. Don’t be that rebellious aunt who rolls her eyes at mommy’s rules. When kids are this young, you need to set a good example. They’re just starting to learn the basics of human interactions and our social norms. Don’t discuss how terribly your date went, don’t teach a toddler your prejudices and don’t teach them insolent behaviour even though it may be amusing for you to see (think, sticking out their tongue at strangers or flipping the bird at anyone). Check out this post for some of the biggest pet peeves of parents with toddlers.

Set a good example, be the best version of you – for their sake. This is what is meant when they say children can change our lives.

6. Listen to them

You want to start young so that your niece or nephew knows you are interested in what they have to say. When they’re older, they may need an adult to hear them out. Parents may not always be so approachable or may seem too old/out of touch, whereas an aunt can seem more like a friend. When toddlers want to talk, listen. If they’ve told you something of concern to the parents, speak to the parents. But make sure that you don’t break that bond of trust by bringing up the topic in front of the toddler unless you had previously agreed that you would. Toddlers aren’t stupid. Although they may not know the word for betrayal they will understand that feeling.

7. Teach them things their parents wouldn’t have time for

It might as well be fact that parents of toddlers are worn out almost all the time. Taking the child out to the park is often their form of “quality time” with their toddler. As you don’t have full-time child care-taking duties, teach them things that require a little a more effort or brain power. For example, you can set up a cookie decorating table with sprinkles, colour icing, the works. That’s often too messy for a full time parent to want to clean up after. Or even teaching them their ABCs or numbers in a fun way. Why not combine the two? The ideas are endless!

Amy Perry is a Millennial mother living in Italy. She’s the author of “What to Expect When She’s Expecting – An Honest Guide to Supporting the New Mom in Your Life,” a book filled with practical tips for husbands, soon to be grandparents, aunts and uncles on Amazon.