by Amy Perry

Unfortunately, mothers-in-law get a bad rap. It comes with the title. It could have something to do with competing for a man’s attention, or with mothers feeling like their sons’ wives don’t measure up… and sometimes vice versa. Either way, it’s a relationship often fraught with tension. 

When there’s a baby involved and your daughter-in-law is now also mother of your grandchild, many mothers-in-law find it difficult to know how to support the new mother, without seeming overbearing, or stepping into this notorious stereotype.

My own mother-in-law was one who managed to tip-toe through this landmine for when I had my first child. Aside from being great with babies and young children, there were things she did that made me really feel cared-for during my first year of motherhood. So, from experience, here are some tips on how you can be the best mother-in-law a new mother could wish for.

1)    Bring “No-Strings-Attached” Food

A new mother is usually so tired, especially if breastfeeding. There were countless occasions when my mother-in-law who lives close-by would bring food without there being any obligation of seeing her grandchild. Sometimes she would leave home-cooked meals at my door and call or text me after to just pick it up in case I was busy, napping or out. It was so nice that she really was thinking about how to help me in this transition to motherhood while giving me time and space.

2)    Leave an Open Offer 

My mother-in-law always made it clear to me that I could call her for anything, even just to take care of the baby at my home for 15 minutes if I needed. She made sure the offer to help was made every occasion I saw her, but then she didn’t insist with follow-up phone calls or texts. She let me do my thing, and I knew if I needed her, she would be more than happy to come over. And she always was.

3)    Silent Gestures of Help 

On the occasions that my husband and I did eventually begin to leave the baby with her grandma every now and again, not only did my mother-in-law agree to babysit at the drop of a hat, but she went above and beyond. As we would normally try to leave the baby asleep or almost sleeping before leaving her with her grandma, grandma duties were sometimes just monitoring a sleeping baby. I remember coming back one time and the dishes were done, kitchen was clean, and the toys strewn out around the living room were packed away nicely. My mother-in-law didn’t mention it once.

4)    Rules Are Rules

When my daughter was closer to 12 months old, she started to have a little more autonomy. Eating, crawling, babbling. One thing I appreciated was whenever I would say “no” to her, my mother-in-law had my back. 

If my daughter wanted to eat cake, it would be a ‘no’ from me, and her looks of pleading to her grandma would result in a “No, no. that’s not for you.” too. Not “okay, grandma will let you have some,” or “come on, Amy, it’s just one little bit.”

Rules were rules, not mommy’s rules. And this meant it was easier to teach my child without feeling like the bad guy. I was pleasantly surprised that my child’s doting grandma never caved!

5)    Set-Up and Ready

Apart from the fact that she’s a meticulous home maker who keeps her house spotless (perfect for babies especially when they start taste testing everything), my mother-in-law asked if we would be fine with leaving some things at her house for the occasions when she helped us take care of the baby. Diapers, a cot, some bottles etc. She wanted to be prepared at all times for emergencies but also so that we wouldn’t need to carry things back and forth every time we were visiting. This was definitely a prudent move because there were those unexpected moments when we had to drop the baby off without time for preparation. She made her house welcoming for the baby, and I really appreciated that.

I hope that you get some ideas from these tips. I certainly appreciated that my mother-in-law took the time to watch out for me in the early stages of motherhood. And today, my daughter and her grandma have a beautiful relationship too. 

Amy Perry is a Millennial mother living in Italy. You can find her book “What to Expect When She’s Expecting – An Honest Guide to Supporting the New Mom in Your Life,” a book for husbands, soon to be grandparents, aunts and uncles on Amazon.