I am writing to ask for tips on how to help children cope with moving. Throughout the period of COVID-19, my toddler daughter and I were in Taiwan. We were originally there to visit my family after Christmas, and our intention was to stay there until after Chinese New Year. My husband was going to fly back and forth from Italy while we stayed with my family. What was supposed to be a 2 month trip, ended up being 8 months due to how COVID-19 spread to Italy, and our town of Bergamo especially. My daughter who is now 1 month shy of 2 years old spent a lot of her developmental stages to-date in Taiwan, with my very large and loud family.

She learnt Mandarin while we were in Taiwan. We were just starting to see new phrases pop out of her mouth in Mandarin before we left to return to Italy. She learnt to play with others, play with dolls, ride a tricycle, sing, “play” the piano all while we were in Taiwan. She spent her days surrounded by my parents, my brothers, my cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews and she was confident, loud and happy playing with everyone. I didn’t anticipate the impact moving ‘home’ to Italy would have on her.

Return to Italy

Sure, we’ve only been back a couple of days. She’s re-united with her dad whom she hasn’t seen in 8 months. She happily took to him almost immediately, preferring him to carry her as opposed to me within the first half an hour. But it breaks my heart to see her ask my mom to hug her over Facetime. Her eyes turn red and her lips tremble as she keeps repeating to her “baò baò, a-mà baò baò,” her arms outstretched to the phone.

I’ve always spoken English with my daughter, but when she speaks mandarin with her dad expecting everyone to be able to understand her like they did in Taiwan, I break my own One-Parent, One-Language rule and respond to her in Mandarin so that she doesn’t feel too shocked that suddenly she’s in this new place where nothing is familiar and no one understands her anymore. She put together a new phrase in Mandarin today, and naturally I responded with enthusiasm and encouragement instead of repeating her phrase in English.

But I’ve noticed that she’s quieter here. She’s a completely different child. She’s observant, and seems quite sad. Or am I just seeing her as a mirror to how I feel for her? She’s no where near as loud or confident. Her laughter and movement is no where near as jovial as she was in Taiwan. Perhaps it’s because she’s caught a cold, perhaps it’s a bit of jet-lag. Maybe it’s just unfamiliarity with her new surroundings. I just hope and pray it’s not because she’s missing my family. Because with this piece of shit pandemic, they are no longer just “one flight away.”

How to help children cope with moving countries

How do we help children cope with moving? Because moving is so much more than just physically moving from one home to another. It’s all the relationships, the bonds, the routines with people with whom they spend their days. In my daughter’s case, it’s even the language.

They say toddlers are super-adaptable but I can’t help but feel sad that we’ve put her through this, asking her to cope emotionally. I can’t believe I was afraid of the flight. This feeling of helplessness is so much worse.

We’re in quarantine now, but we’re still trying to make her days as fun and interesting as possible with new toys and games.

I’ve been keeping her routine of brushing her teeth before bed. We read the same books. I let her do the same things she did in Taiwan like press elevator buttons, make the coffees from the machine etc. I sing the same song to her while she falls asleep and we let her sleep in our bed instead of her in her own room last night. But gosh, the guilt. And for the first time in my parenthood, I worry that perhaps I alone am not enough for my daughter.

Please give me your tips! How do you help your toddlers cope with a change like this?